Right Now

At one time I had a separate, more anonymous, blog. One of the popular features there was called "Right Now," where I filled readers in on current happenings in my life, what I was enjoying, etc. Since I'm not blogging here as often as I thought I might be, I thought I'd reintroduce this "column" for all of you. A new and consistent part (I hope) will be the headers Organizing, Finishing and Relationships, since those are things I particularly set out to work on this year. For better or worse, here's what's up, right now:

Drinking: I've been sick since Saturday night, so one thing I haven't been drinking is coffee. For some reason whenever I get a cold my taste buds just don't want java. Tea, please! Or ginger ale or orange juice. Or even water, with or without cat's claw (una de gato in Spanish, or Uncaria tomentosa, if you want its proper Latin name). 

I'm on the mend now, but I'm still not ready for caffeine!

Eating: Pretty boring meals since my appetite hasn't returned in full. For breakfast this morning it was Shreddies with unsweetened original almond milk and whole wheat toast with 100% natural crunchy peanut butter. Lunch will probably be chicken noodle soup with a leftover Tim Hortons bun. I'm still thinking about what to have for supper.


Reading: I currently have two books on the go: The Finnish Way by Katja Pantzar (which shows up as Finding Sisu on Goodreads, for some reason), and Shelter for The Spirit: Create Your Own Haven in a Hectic World by Victoria Moran.

Watching: Nothing really. I've brought a few videos home from the library, but we haven't watched any of them yet. Titles include: American Sniper, Stronger, and The Catcher Was a Spy. If you haven't caught a theme there, these days I'm preferring films that are based on true stories. If I'm going to give my valuable time to a movie, I'd rather learn about a real person's life and circumstances. That's not to diminish the value of pure entertainment and stress relief.


Listening: Also not too much. I borrowed a few CDs from the library and have given a listen to Mandisa's Out of the Dark, which I quite enjoyed. The other day when I got home from work, my son surprised me with a new-to-me CD by The Stray Cats: Choo Choo Hot Fish. He remembered that I'd enjoyed them and seen them perform live back in their heyday, and it's rare for one of their CDs to come through the used CD/DVD store at which he works. I've listened to the first part of it and it definitely makes me want to move. Housework anyone?

Buying: As little as I can. I'm trying to get things out, not bring them in. That being said, we of course need groceries and other such necessities. And the last time we visited a thrift store we picked up a microwave plate for our microwave. Ours had slipped through my fingers while rinsing and broken in half in the sink. To buy new would have cost over $30, including shipping. We got this one for 75 cents, reduced from $3. When we were asked to up the payment to $1 with the additional 25 cents being donated to Mennonite Central Committee causes, it was a no-brainer. What a deal!

Anticipating: I guess this could come under buying. We need to replace our air conditioner, so I'm anticipating visits from HVAC companies to receive quotes. There's also a furnace service person coming this morning to go over our furnace. We may need to replace both appliances, so better to find out now and replace them at the same time for greater cost savings. 

Organizing: I got a bit discouraged by organization fails and decided to put off until tomorrow what I can put off indefinitely. Not a good idea. As soon as I feel better I'll continue my efforts to declutter. I still haven't read the follow-up to How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind, but I'm still reading books along similar lines and finding inspiration. Not Gretchen Rubin's Outer Order, Inner Calm, though. That was a real disappointment. All stuff we've heard a million times before. 

Finishing: I still have far to go in terms of finishing my novel, but what I've been focusing more attention on is looking back at older work, revising, polishing and submitting. It makes me feel more accomplished, like I'm actually doing something toward getting published and getting my name out there. My Finishing School partner and I haven't been meeting as regularly as we'd hoped. She was away for a couple of weeks and there were a couple of days where I had to work or was sick. Hopefully we'll get back on track next week.

Relationships:My husband and I haven't really made a point of carving out the time I talked about earlier. Nor have I taken enough initiative with my daughter or seen enough of my mom. I'm certainly not perfect yet at giving my son the eye contact he needs and deserves, but I think I'm doing better. Haven't had a lot of time with friends - book club at the beginning of the month and  a lunch date with my Finishing School partner have been the extent of my "social" activities. Plenty of room to grow... 

Influence (Five-Minute-Friday)

To celebrate the release of Kate Motaung's latest book, today's challenge word is "Influence." For those who aren't familiar with FMF, Kate gives us a word each Friday and we write something around it, then link up to a common blog post. We write for five minutes only, no editing allowed. My five minutes are bookended with the words Begin and End. Today's link-up is here.

Begin.

Just as in Spencer Johnson's book, Out of the Maze, there are thoughts that hold us back and thoughts that move us forward, in life there are influences that are detrimental and those that are beneficial. The trick is to recognize the difference. How much better off would we be if we recognized who had our best interests at heart and who did not?

We've all experienced both types of influencers, the good and the bad. In hindsight, we can see where we slipped up and let the bad ones in, allowed ourselves to go astray, down paths we never meant (or intended) to journey, and ended up somewhere we never wanted to be. Why can't we see this up front? Why do we let ourselves be drawn in and deceived? Are they such good cons? Are we that stupid?

Andy Stanley offers a very good question when it comes to decision-making: Given my past experiences, my present situation, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the wise thing to do? In terms of relationships, we might ask, given my past relationships, my present knowledge, and where I want to go, is this, or this not, a good person to have in my life?

Good friends encourage each other to succeed.

Stop.

That's seven words more than last week's effort; either I'm getting faster on my feet or the topic was easier to write about. The "problem" is, I wasn't done.

I suppose there are any number of reasons we can let a bad influence into our lives. One might be simple loneliness. We don't have many friends, so when someone comes along and shows an interest, we're far too eager to accept without really evaluating whether or not s/he's good for us. We don't even know him or her well enough to be discerning. Sometimes we can even be attracted to a person because s/he seems to get away with bad behaviour. And all of us can probably point to an example of a "good girl" who always falls for the "bad boy." It usually doesn't end well, if ever.

Attractive? Or dangerous?

Then there are people who really are cons, maybe even sociopaths, people who can present themselves one way, to suck you in, and before long you find yourself manipulated like a puppet on a string. You get confused because they can be so nice one day, so awful the next, and you ask, "Which version is the real one? Will the real [insert name], please stand up?" You want to believe the nice portrayal is the true one, but quite often it's not. It can take a while to get untangled from that type of situation because you're a good person and have trouble realizing that not everyone's like you.

I've had good influences in my life and I've had bad ones. And I can testify that the good ones are far better and yield greater rewards: trust, intimacy, encouragement, support, love. You never (or rarely) end up worse off than when they first came alongside.

If I can encourage you to ask one question as you consider a  friendship/influence, it would be the one I posed above and reiterate now: Given my past relationships, my present knowledge, and where I want to go, is this a good person to have in my life? If you don't know the answer right off, take things slowly and get to know the person better before sharing too deeply. You don't have to decide right away. But once you're in a position to determine the nature of his/her influence, don't be afraid to let go of the bad, even if they've been life for a long time. Just walk away. Run if you have to. Don't be afraid to get help.

Relationships, Part 3

You're right; I missed yesterday. I wanted to write, but had several other commitments as well, and when it came to choosing between blogging and catching up on my journal, my journal won out. I had fallen behind over the holidays and as of this morning am still only up to January 9th. Anyway, I feel we all need one day off a week and yesterday was it for me.

So, on to friendships. As someone who has no family locally (they're all a minimum of 45 minutes away, including in-laws), friends are important to me. I have a solid pool of people I'd call acquaintances, but not so many friends. And some of my actual friends are also an hour or more away. Whether they're long-distance or not, all of these relationships require a level of intentionality. Friendships deepen when people spend time together, learning about each other. What are your interests? Your pet peeves? Your goals and dreams? Your beliefs and values? Time has to be set aside for these conversations. But how and when when everyone's time seems to be at such a premium?

Like I said, intentionality is the key. I have one friend with whom I regularly go out for breakfast. Those "dates" are precious, but not really often enough for either of us. This friend is also one of my "Finishing School" partners, so soon we'll be resuming our once-a-week meetings, which will definitely help our friendship grow. 

I also have a book club that meets once a month and as with most such clubs, the discussions go beyond books and delve into our personal lives. Some of these relationships are going deeper as a result of getting to know one another in this group environment. 

Sometimes there's no option but to develop a relationship online and by text. It may not be ideal, but distance and geography are no barrier to true friendship. Some of the people I call my closest friends live very far away and the only ways we sustain our friendship are through Facebook, e-mail and the phone. 

Ugh. I'm not sure this has been a very helpful or enlightening post either for me or for you as a reader. My starting point for the subject of relationships was as a word for the year, expressing my desire to work on and strengthen relationships in 2019. Has anything in today's post been beneficial?

Let me recap and see if I can pull it together. 

• Friendships are important, whether friends are near or far away
• Intentionality is key, regularly making time for getting together, or making a point of consistently connecting via technology
• You can get to know people in group settings and identify like-minded individuals as those to connect with more deeply outside the group

I guess the next step for me is to discern how to best manage my life in order to invest in more face-to-face connection. I started tracking my use of time yesterday, but didn't set the hourly alarm on my phone as intended. I'm off to do that as soon as I publish this post. My goal this week is to see where time's a'wasting. I don't want to waste hours in pointless activities when they could be invested in people. It's people who make our lives richer through the gifts of themselves and their time.

Relationships, Part 2

I want to get back to the subject of relationships, rather than have you think I don't want to actually discuss them :) I'm sure you recall that I still had my mom and friends to address.

I'm a member of the "sandwich generation," that group of people who have aging parents as well as children to care for. Now, I admit that my children are in their early 20s and don't need as much attention as younger children and teens, but there's no mistaking that they still want and need us. 

Anyway, we're not talking about my kids today (we did that the other day to some extent); we're talking about my mom. 

Quality time :)

Fact: she's not getting any younger. In the last couple of years she's had more health concerns and is finding it increasingly difficult to care for her home. She's lived in the same house for sixty years and that makes it challenging for her to think about downsizing, moving out, moving closer to us, making a change. She knows her neighbourhood, she knows her community; her doctor, her church, her connections are there. Her grocery store, pharmacy and bank are familiar; the staff there know her. So while it might be easier for us to have her closer, it might not be the best for her.

We live about an hour away, so it's good that she's able to hire people for things like lawn care and snow removal. If it comes down to it, she could also hire someone to clean her house a couple of times a month. But she does need help with decluttering and getting rid of things she no longer uses or values. That's one place I come in. I try to visit her every two or three weeks, which I know isn't as much as she would like, and sometimes we don't get very much done even when I am there. That's where better time management skills would be handy.

My mom and I talk almost every day on the phone, usually 45 minutes to an hour, which is quite a bit in my estimation. She doesn't have Internet, so no Skype or e-mail, unfortunately. 

I guess she and I have different ideas about what our ideal relationship would look like, and our differing love languages are one reason. For her acts of service are paramount, where I'm looking for quality time (not necessarily time on the phone!). In order for her to feel loved, I need to do things for her; in that way I best build our relationship from her point of view (which is important for me to know). I almost always prepare (or help prepare) our meals when I'm there, and almost always do the dishes. But I  need to be more proactive about doing other things like dusting (which I hate), vacuuming, laundry, etc. I want her to feel cared for and loved, especially at this stage of her life.

It's not easy, this sandwich time, but everyone whose parents live to a good age go through it. And we need to remember how they looked after us when we were young and vulnerable. We wouldn't have made it this far without them!

Relationships

So far we’ve covered "words for the year" organization and finishing; today I turn my attention to relationships.

Though some may not agree (the workaholics, for example), relationships are the most important thing in life. Life is about people, connection, interaction, communication, intimacy. We need each other. No man is an island, to quote John Donne.

We often don’t give our relationships the attention that they’re due. We take people for granted until they’re not there anymore. Then we regret the time we didn’t spend with them, our busyness, our choices, our neglect. You’ve no doubt heard it said that when a person is on her deathbed, she doesn’t think about things like work, travel, missing out on collecting more stuff; she thinks about the people she loves and wishes she’d been more present, more engaged, more sure they knew how much she loved them.

So this year I want to spend more time with the people who matter most to me: my husband, my children, my mom and close friends.

My husband and I have never had a date night. We tried, but perhaps gave up too easily. Now that the children are grown and well on their way to independence, we still don’t have a date night. Last year we celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary in Hawaii on Big Island and Maui, and we saw how delightful focused time together could be. While we can’t live footloose and carefree on a regular basis – we both have jobs, after all – surely we can recapture some aloha by carving out time for each other, even if it has to be scheduled. And this time needn’t require money. A walk in the woods, an at-home movie night, a self-made candlelit dinner, all of these can be an investment in our marriage. We’re blessed that we fit so well together, have the same beliefs and values, support each other’s goals and dreams, but there is always room for our bond to grow stronger.

My daughter lives away from home now, but is still in the area. Thankfully, family is still important to her - we were always a close knit foursome - and she wants to maintain our connection. At 23, she continues to seek our help at times, not so much our guidance. Often, she initiates coffee dates and it is always good to see her. This year my goal is to do more of the initiating. I want her to know that I’m interested in her, and that my love for her is steady and true.

My 21-year-old son lives at home and works part-time while teaching himself music composition, theory, etc. We have good conversations about life and day-to-day things. I know it’s important to him to be heard, to make eye contact. This year my goal is to ensure he gets my full attention when he’s talking, to not multi-task (see yesterday’s post). His childhood is already over, the years pass quickly; at some point he’ll be living somewhere else and this opportunity will be gone. I want him to remember a mother who was attentive, not distracted, a mother he’ll want to visit and feel connected to.

I’ll turn my attention to my mom and friends in another post. This is it for today’s 500 words :)