Relationships, Part 2

I want to get back to the subject of relationships, rather than have you think I don't want to actually discuss them :) I'm sure you recall that I still had my mom and friends to address.

I'm a member of the "sandwich generation," that group of people who have aging parents as well as children to care for. Now, I admit that my children are in their early 20s and don't need as much attention as younger children and teens, but there's no mistaking that they still want and need us. 

Anyway, we're not talking about my kids today (we did that the other day to some extent); we're talking about my mom. 

Quality time :)

Fact: she's not getting any younger. In the last couple of years she's had more health concerns and is finding it increasingly difficult to care for her home. She's lived in the same house for sixty years and that makes it challenging for her to think about downsizing, moving out, moving closer to us, making a change. She knows her neighbourhood, she knows her community; her doctor, her church, her connections are there. Her grocery store, pharmacy and bank are familiar; the staff there know her. So while it might be easier for us to have her closer, it might not be the best for her.

We live about an hour away, so it's good that she's able to hire people for things like lawn care and snow removal. If it comes down to it, she could also hire someone to clean her house a couple of times a month. But she does need help with decluttering and getting rid of things she no longer uses or values. That's one place I come in. I try to visit her every two or three weeks, which I know isn't as much as she would like, and sometimes we don't get very much done even when I am there. That's where better time management skills would be handy.

My mom and I talk almost every day on the phone, usually 45 minutes to an hour, which is quite a bit in my estimation. She doesn't have Internet, so no Skype or e-mail, unfortunately. 

I guess she and I have different ideas about what our ideal relationship would look like, and our differing love languages are one reason. For her acts of service are paramount, where I'm looking for quality time (not necessarily time on the phone!). In order for her to feel loved, I need to do things for her; in that way I best build our relationship from her point of view (which is important for me to know). I almost always prepare (or help prepare) our meals when I'm there, and almost always do the dishes. But I  need to be more proactive about doing other things like dusting (which I hate), vacuuming, laundry, etc. I want her to feel cared for and loved, especially at this stage of her life.

It's not easy, this sandwich time, but everyone whose parents live to a good age go through it. And we need to remember how they looked after us when we were young and vulnerable. We wouldn't have made it this far without them!